This Poem has a Title
by Lisa Kelly
This poem must take medication in order to be read
at any future event. It has been found that this poem
has an unfair natural advantage which makes it stand
out at festivals and open mic spots, and streak ahead
of its competitors. In order for the competition not to
feel demoralised, this poem must take aural contraceptives
to suppress its innate ability to propagate and inspire
other poems to try as hard as this poem. This poem
must be sterilised, and wake up lethargic and drugged,
so it becomes a non-starter and will be stripped of its title.
This poem has too many phonemes which must significantly
be reduced to sub-haiku levels. However, if this poem
refuses to subscribe to its prescription, it may be allowed
to focus on becoming a long poem of 5,000 lines
where new rules regarding the phoneme levels do not
apply. It is accepted that this ruling is discriminatory,
but is necessary, reasonable and proportionate
to ensure fair competition for all poems that are just not
as good as this poem. Any argument that this poem
should be celebrated, not regulated, will be ignored.
The future of this poem has been brought to you by
a panel despite its serious concerns about this poem
having to take frequent medication, absence of evidence
and potential harmful side-effects of phoneme treatment.
This poem has promised to fight. This poem will be heard.
Lisa Kelly is a freelance journalist and Chair of Magma Poetry. Her first collection, 'A Map Towards Fluency' is forthcoming from Carcanet this summer.