An Unannounced Inspection
by Raymond Miller
and the royals are in for questions, under threat
of Special Measures. The Household Cavalry
shake and spray on popular street corners,
then watch the kettles boil, before they burrow
under cover to bugger those who wished a burkha
made Her Highness less familiar.
Miss Camilla has been cautioned for frightening
the corgis and the treasurer's been collared
with his hands in young girl's panties.
Prince Phil must pull his finger out in Art
and Social Science or face endless
cocktail parties in the land of Bongo-Bongo.
There are murmurs of tomatoes selling memoirs
to the red tops and people in glass houses
throwing stones at modern buildings.
Lizzie looks determined to hang on to the ermine
and turn a blind eye to the bevy
of bookmakers at the portcullis.
The lads are worried. The stag night capers
have been captured and the video's gone viral,
starring Bosnians, Bulgarians, champers
and black stockings. The Civil List arouses
both nausea and nostalgia. But never
in equal measure: we are not in this together.