Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfiffle Johnson
Friday, 14 May 2021 09:52

Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfiffle Johnson

Published in Poetry

In which the reader is invited to consider the A-Z of charges laid at the door of Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, setting them against the oft-repeated claim that he is doing his best. Please tick all answers that apply.

by Steve Pottinger

a) failing to act like a statesman
b) shamelessly feathering his nest
c) hopelessly mired in corruption

make a mark by those things he does best

d) indecisive, inept, and in trouble
e) evasive and shifty when pressed
f) locking down late and reluctant

at which is he doing his best?

g) lying as easy as breathing
h) a clown gone awry, a bad jest
i) mumbling something in Latin

would these be the things he does best?

j) putting borders where borders weren’t needed
k) watching Belfast slide into unrest
l) promising bridges, and tunnels, and airports

any clue as to which he does best?

m) writing huge lies on the side of a bus
n) selling you horseshit with zest
o) setting the bar low, and missing

which one of these is his best?

p) hopeless, and hapless, and heartless
q) a caricature, badly dressed
r) telling lie after lie after untruth

but remember, he’s doing his best

s) spaffing money up walls without counting the cost
t) sending forty-five billion pounds west
u) for a track and trace system that doesn’t

tell me now, how he’s doing his best

v) sidling away with a lover
w) pinning the flag to his chest
x) going absent whenever he’s needed

would these be the things he does best?

y) an end-of-pier Churchill, history as farce
z) the wrong answer, whatever the test

who’d rather bodies pile high in their thousands
while he lies that he’s doing his best.